I Wish I Had Taken Alimony

We divorced because my husband was terrible. Abusive, manipulative, controlling. I wanted him as far away from me and our children as possible. I had no problem accepting child support for the two children who were still underage and living at home, so why did I struggle with accepting alimony? I didn’t want anything of his, and I saw his paycheck as just that: his.

In retrospect, I wish I had taken it. I spent 22 years keeping our home, raising our children, and managing our finances. I contributed financially through a seasonal job, but my core role was homemaker. At the time, I couldn’t see the truth that it wasn’t his at all. Everything we owned, including the foundation that we created for him to continue to receive an ongoing and increasing paycheck was indeed ours.

In the end, we made it through. I stood on my own, with my pride intact, but it would have been so much easier with alimony. I worked two jobs, but I kept the car and the house. It took about two years to feel financially stable again, and much longer to thrive. During that time, I spent more energy working than parenting, and I probably missed the mark.

If I were talking to my younger self, I’d say: take the money,it’s yours

Starting Over

Without alimony, my number one focus became survival. I had a small savings account, which was an inheritance from my late parents. What I would have given to have had my father there instead. Alas, this was my bridge to the future. The rest was up to me.

I was nearly 40 and entering the workforce in a real way for the first time in my life. I was terrified. I lacked formal education because I was in high school when our first child was born, and I hadn’t pursued it further. Thankfully, I held a seasonal role as a tax accountant for a few years, so I wasn’t exactly starting from scratch, but it felt like it.

Though I am smart and scrappy, aside from seasonal work, my resume only included life experience: I ran a household of five, managed the family finances, led Girl Scout troops, Boy Scout dens and baseball clubs, coordinated carpools for kids at three different schools, was active in the PTA and Band Boosters, and served as an executor of my parents will. While it may be true that these engagements created transferable skills, I had very little to show in the way of professional on-the-job experience.

Fortunately, I landed an office job making minimum wage – $7.25 an hour. It was my first foray into the 9 to 5 world. I quickly learned to navigate office politics, after-hours social events, and the demands of climbing the corporate ladder. Between the job and the commute, it consumed me. Parenting took a back seat at a time when my teenage children needed me the most.

Within a few years, I was promoted, fired, and then hired by a competitor. This time, my job took me to a new state. I left my old life behind. By the time I reached retirement, I had made it to the upper echelons of management. I did it, but it was a hard road.

True Colors

I didn’t listen to my attorney about alimony when he tried to help me see that I deserved to have a solid foundation for a fresh start, and I should have. He did convince me, though, that I deserved something. He convinced me to add a clause in the divorce papers entitling me to a percentage of my ex-husband’s retirement. He pointed out that by the time I retired, my years in the workforce would be significantly shorter than if I had worked all along, and that my consequently smaller retirement draw alone would not be enough to sustain me. I appreciated that advice down the line.

It should not have been a surprise, but when it was finally time to start paying me a portion of his retirement, my ex asked me to give up the money so that he could leave it to his current wife. I was older and wiser by then, and had spent all of those years making it on my own. Thanks to my attorney, the divorce papers were clear. Even though he had remarried several times, I was still entitled to this money. Giving it up was a hard pass, and I readily cashed in.

Road Less Traveled

When I look back, I think about the road less traveled. What if I had just taken alimony? Maybe I would have taken the same job or maybe I would have worked part-time and spent more of my energy supporting my teenage kids. Maybe I would have worried less, struggled less. Maybe my son would have been a different parent to his own children, which he had young. Maybe I wouldn’t have moved away.

In the end, it’s hard to know which decisions would have been different. We made it, but it didn’t have to be that hard. By design, alimony might have created a more equitable financial future for me. Afterall, we built that life together, and the decisions we made affected my ability to generate income for the years that followed.

If I had to do it all over again, I would listen to my attorney and lean into more aggressive financial planning. But divorce is not a practical exercise. It is fraught with emotion. I had completely lost trust in everything I knew to be true and my emotions, my pride, led me to make bold decisions that shaped my financial future for years to come. Rather than making him pay, I let him off the hook.

If I had to do it again, I would put me first. If I were talking to my younger self, I’d say: take the money, it’s yours