We live in a society that seems to pride itself on individuality and “doing things without any help”. I am no better. Whether it’s from trauma or a warped understanding of strength, or both, we seem to loathe admitting that we need…well, anything.
For those of us that have gone through divorce, not asking for help or admitting we need it is the fast track to a nervous breakdown. The problem is, a lot of the help we need is not something that our friends or family can provide – unless our friends or family are lawyers, therapists, child care providers, etc. (And if your friends or family are therapists, probably best to still find someone else for that.)
Needle in a Hectic Haystack
I was lucky that my divorce was amicable and we did not need to hire lawyers and go through litigious battles. We ended up using someone my ex-wife had worked with previously. But before we settled on that, I did a search for lawyers in our area and I quickly realized that going through a divorce and trying to find actual help is utterly overwhelming. A hundred law firms and no way to know which are the most costly or the most effective; online posts about how lawyers will drag out the process on purpose; mediator recommendations and then posts about how expensive mediation is; divorce coaches coming out from every corner. Then I thought about so many of the women my ex-wife works with as a career counselor, who left their career fields to raise children and now find themselves facing divorce and needing to go back to work, but with a decade or longer gap on their resume – where is the help for them? And since nearly every woman I have known who left their career to raise children did so because the cost of child care was higher than a second income could account for, how is she supposed to pay for child care to go back to work now?
There was one website that I found, after ages of searching, that boasted information and links for assistance, nationwide. But most of the “information” were blog posts from people just as overwhelmed as the audience they were writing for and many of the links were defunct.
I remember glancing up from my laptop and looking over at my youngest stepson, who was sitting on the couch watching a video; and I thought to myself, “What would I do if this was hateful and spiteful, this divorce, and I had to fight her to be able to see him? To have him in my life? I’m the stepmother, what rights would I even have? And could only a lawyer answer that question – and if so, would it cost me $200 or more for just three sentences of information? How do people do this?”
Guidance in the Darkness
There is an anecdote a friend of mine often cites: a man falls into a hole, and another man comes along, sees him, and jumps into the hole with him. “What are you doing?” The first man asks, incredulously. The second man responds, “I’ve been in this same hole before. I know the way out. Follow me.”
What I have learned, not just from my divorce but all throughout my life, is that the best people to turn to in times of pain are the ones who require the least explanation from you about what you’re struggling with. They are the ones who understand before you even finish the sentence. They have been where you are. And this is especially necessary in terms of divorce, because it changes every aspect of your life. The myriad things we face throughout and following a divorce we cannot possibly work through or sort out on our own. We need someone who won’t just show us how to climb out of that hole, but also will help us climb out of it. It’s not much good if someone tells you, “I think you and the kids should find a therapist as you go through this,” if you don’t have the time or the funds for therapy. But if someone says, “Trust me, you and the kids should find a therapist, and here’s a source that provides lower cost therapy and will work around a single-parent’s hectic schedule”, that’s far more helpful.
I didn’t have a friend at that time who had been through this. I had no one to tell me, “Listen to me – you’ve got the legal part sorted, and that’s often the most maddening. But you’ll need a therapist. Grief is going to hit you – even if you don’t think it will, even if you think this is all amicable and fine, grief is going to punch you in the stomach. And so is anger. You’ll also need to be very careful about whom you turn to and talk to – divorce has a way of revealing sides of people you don’t want to see. And whatever you do, do not date.” I didn’t have someone to jump down into the hole with me and say, “Don’t think about how far you have to climb, keep your brain where your feet are. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Keep your thoughts where your feet are and take it one inch at a time. I’ll show you the handholds.” It’s the reason behind what I do, now, every day, with NASDF; the reason we try so hard to provide these services and resources for our members from mental health support to child care. Because I’ve been in that hole. And the way out is dirty, but we’ll get there.